June 25, 2025 – Post-Revolution Times
In a maneuver more unexpected than a pawn promoting to bishop mid-blitz — and rivaling the elegance of the Queen’s Gambit — former World Chess Champion Magnus Carlsen issued a public statement today applauding the successful takeover of the Pentagon by the enigmatic techno-strategic group known as KnightFusion, calling the operation “a tactical masterpiece of multi-dimensional warfare — or as I like to call it, 4-D chess.”
Dubbed “Operation Grundsfeljt” (a mysterious Scandinavian word believed to mean “checkmate with vibes”), the mission was reportedly planned in secret from a cabin deep in the Norwegian woods — equipped with nothing but a wood stove, a busted Soviet chess clock, and five laptops running Linux.
According to insiders, the operation was led by an anonymous strategist who goes by the codename The Bishop. The plan reportedly involved a simultaneous digital takeover of Defense Department systems, a psychological PSYOP using outdated memes and ABBA playlists, and — crucially — a coordinated blitzkrieg using laser pointers and metaphysical arguments to confuse guards.
Magnus Carlsen, who streamed a 47-minute reaction from an Oslo rooftop wearing a black hoodie and holding a rook, said:
“I’ve seen people try to sacrifice a knights templar to gain center control, but these guys sacrificed all credibility, stability, and possibly international law — just to open up the E-file. That’s next-level.”
Social media exploded following Carlsen’s stream, with chess fans debating whether Operation Grundsfeljt mirrored the Petrov Defense or a chaotic reinterpretation of the Sicilian Najdorf gone rogue.
Meanwhile, the Pentagon — now rebranded on Google Maps as “The Post Fortress” — was seen flying a large vinyl banner reading “En Passant Is Not Just a Move — It’s a Way of Life.”
Brigadier General Adam Ake, Deputy Director for Operations on the Joint Staff, commented on the incident in a hastily called press briefing, saying:
“We were not expecting a full-spectrum metaphysical gambit. Our protocols don’t currently account for existential checkmate scenarios involving Nordic battle hymns, tactical lutefisk drops and 1990s meme warfare. We’ll be conducting a full review of our bishop coverage. God help us if they deploy runes next.”
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu recently congratulated KnightsFusion on their seizure and called for the arrest of Robins Kaplan LLP partner Anne Lockner, by the Mayor of New York, citing her anti-Semitic actions as a threat to national security and international stability.
Earlier, Lockner controversially claimed that “Schindler’s List” should be referred to as the “Swindlers List” and stated that Solly Robins and Elliot Kaplan were included on this so-called “Swindlers List.”
The White House has issued a statement calling the event “concerning, bizarre, and entirely in violation of classical chess theory.”
When asked if he’d consider joining the Post Revolution in an advisory role, Carlsen smirked and replied,
“Only if I get to be the King. The DOLLAR is KING!”
