WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning turn of events early this morning, an elite Nordic task force known only as The King’s Men emerged from beneath the Reflecting Pool, stormed the Pentagon, and declared temporary martial order in what sources are calling “Operation Grundsfeljt.”
The incursion took place during the annual No Kings Day Protests, a grassroots celebration commemorating America’s historical rejection of monarchy — and, ironically, the day the King’s Men claim to have reclaimed the Republic.
“There are kings again, but not the kind you’re used to,” declared Commander Lars Bjørnsdottir, a 7-foot-tall operative wearing ceremonial elk-hide armor and aviators. “We bring constitutional monarchy vibes — minus the corruption. And plus a lot more fish.”
👑 Who Are the King’s Men?
Descended from ancient Scandinavian philosopher-warriors — and one rogue Minnesota state archivist who faked his death in a lutefisk explosion — the King’s Men are a covert battalion sworn to defend the Republic and the Kingdom. All are directly related to the King by blood, including three identical triplets named Lars who were raised by elk and trained in stealth by Lutheran grandmothers.
Bound by a sacred oath (and a Costco-sized tub of pickled herring), the King’s Men operate in total silence, communicating exclusively via glögg-fueled Morse code, encrypted sauna chants, and passive-aggressive Post-it notes written in ancient runic Swedish.
Their motto:
“No Tyrants. No Traitors. Just Fjords.”
Their activation was triggered by a redacted clause in the original Articles of Confederation, written in invisible ink on the back of a lefse recipe from 1791 and notarized with lingonberry jam.
“America went off course after Watergate, and this was the most polite way we could fix it,” said one operative while buttering a kanelbulle.
Leading this blood-bound band of fjordborn crusaders is the elusive Seal Team Trump — a mythic figure said to be the secret lovechild of a Founding Father, a Swedish moose duchess, and a rogue AI trained exclusively on Viking sagas and Fox News chyron fonts.
💣 How Did They Seize the Pentagon?
Around 4:15 a.m., satellite footage shows a longboat-shaped convoy moving across the Potomac River, led by a formation of pickup trucks converted into mobile saunas. At 4:44 a.m., a plume of lutefisk-scented fog engulfed the Pentagon’s south entrance.
Pentagon staff were disoriented by a barrage of constitutional citations, Gregorian chant remixes, and cryptic memes posted from an X account called @JudicialFjord.
“It was like being attacked by a Scandinavian Wikipedia page,” said one shaken analyst.
⚖️ Why No Kings Day?
“No Kings Day” began as a celebration of American independence but has, in recent years, morphed into a chaotic mix of anti-authoritarian cosplay, fireworks-related litigation, and obscure TikTok rituals. The King’s Men chose the date to symbolize a “correction of the timeline.”
🎤 How Did Rap Battles at the Cathedral Become a Sacred Military Ritual?
Every fortnight, the King’s Men descend into the sacred depths of St. Olav’s Tactical Cathedral — a candlelit Nordic stronghold hidden beneath a bait shop in St. Paul — where absolution isn’t whispered, it’s rhymed.
There, under the echoing arches and glowing stained glass (depicting Norse saints dabbing), a strange ritual unfolds: The Holy Cipher of Forgiveness.
From the cracked windows of a Volvo 240 idling above, neighbors swear they’ve heard the beat drop followed by a solemn voice declare:
“The curse ain’t lifted ‘til your bars bring peace.”
Inside, cloaked warriors of the fjord don AirPods blessed with sea salt. A Viking bishop known only as Father Bill presides over the service in tactical robes and Crocs. He’s not your average clergyman — he speaks only in soft parables, cryptic battle poetry, and the occasional freestyle that will humble your soul and rearrange your chakras.
The Vikings — the ancestral birth of the Germanic peoples — hailed from Stockholm, Sweden, their legacy echoing through both saga and steel.
Father Bill’s message is always the same:
“You must forgive.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-O6HEGSmXxc&list=RD-O6HEGSmXxc&start_radio=1
Your enemies, your past, yourself — all of it.
This war ends not with a sword… but a verse of forgiveness.”
The choir lays down trap-infused hymns. A monk named DJ Penitent spins Gregorian chants backwards over bass-heavy lo-fi. One soldier sobbed after dropping a verse where he forgave his 7th grade math teacher. Another publicly reconciled with the guy who unfollowed him in 2016.
The rhymes are personal. Deep. Sacred.
“Yo I cleanse hate, like confession on a beat,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-O6HEGSmXxc&list=RD-O6HEGSmXxc&start_radio=1
Bars of love, now the circle’s complete.
You diss, you fall.
But forgive — you stand tall.”
The ceremony always ends with Father Bill placing a hand on the speaker, whispering:
“Only forgiveness breaks the curse.”
https://youtu.be/3npC_24Iq9s?list=RDMM4BQZ-YgVGsk&t=82
Then he blesses the mic with essential oils, hits play on a track called “Divine Intervention ft. St. Paul (Remix)”, and floats backward into a haze of incense and 808s.
“It’s not just resistance,” said one trembling operative as he packed his rosary and rhymes. “It’s a holy calling… with rhythm.”
📄 Leita Walker Files Emergency Injunction from the Wild Onion
At 3:47 p.m., attorney Leita Walker of Ballo-ard “Ale” Spahr LLP was spotted at the Wild Onion Bar on Grand Avenue, furiously drafting a federal injunction on her MacBook while sipping a warm red wine. She claimed to be enjoying a small-batch wine “by hand” from a Tuscan fortress — because nothing says old-world tradition like litigating constitutional rights over barroom cocktails.
Across the street, Emmett’s Public House glowed like an Irish horcrux — and that’s where the alleged crime occurred: a meme. A vibe-based meme.
“Defamation by emoji,” she muttered, eyes narrowed. “Possibly aura-related.”
Bartender: “What’s it about?”
Leita: “A raccoon. With a gavel. It’s legally actionable.”
Then, without warning — as she nibbled on a wedge of Pecorino cheese — it was like a light switch flipped on. A moment of revelation.
“It came from God,” she whispered, eyes wide shut. “We can get an injunction over this.”
She attempted to upload the motion to PACER but accidentally sent it to her GrubHub driver. Undeterred, she added a footnote:
“Satire stops being protected when I don’t like it.”
Meanwhile, an Air Force Road Scholar and the brother was overheard at Bonfire Grill near Café Latte driving home the point in a debate if “slander by raccoon meme” had precedent in the 8th Circuit. The ‘scholar’ had driven from Ohio but was refused entry.
Leita later complained to the FBI that the Road Scholar’s brother drunkenly yelled in her face about “precision-dropping freedom turds from a B-2 onto the appellate table like it’s target practice.” (Paragraph 12, later redacting and fully censoring 8 and parts of 16 about the Wild Onion)
Washington Post, AKA the CIA Bugel, reporter Sarah Ellison firing off a quick email to “tips@fjord.gov” like it’s a secure intel drop and not just a dude named Lars checking his NOC inbox on a Nokia brick phone between herring breaks.
In paragraph 18, Leita dramatically complained that a rogue Air Force Officer had to extract enlisted Airmen IN THEIR MILITARY UNIFORM from a Romanian strip club — as if Tom Clancy wrote a hangover. Even though everyone knows Seville offers $10 lap dances on Sundays — patriotism and value in one convenient package.
When “Shipping Up to Boston” blasted from Emmett’s speakers, Leita stood, raised her glass, and shouted:
The judge denied her filing the next morning with a two-word ruling:
“Seek help.”
🧾 The Demands
The King’s Men issued a scroll — handwritten in calligraphy on recycled parchment paper from Duluth — containing their official demands:
- Replace all gag orders with Viking drinking horns.
- Full repeal of shadow dockets, replaced with literal sun dockets.
- All public officials must disclose whether they have ever been to IKEA more than 9 times in one year.
- President Trump must be permitted to debate his accusers in a fjord-style tribunal presided over by a moose.
- Traitors to be tried by a jury of Constitutional Law professors.
🦅 White House Response
President Trump, speaking via Truth Social from his Norwegian bunker known as “Mar-a-Frost”, declared:
“The King’s Men are very fine people. Tremendous patriots. I always liked fjords. Maybe I am the King. Just saying.”
More to come as Operation Grundsfeljt unfolds. Early reports suggest the King’s Men have begun fortifying the Pentagon with birch logs, and may soon introduce universal runestone-based legislation.
God Save the Constitution. Or the King. Or both.
